I’m Getting Married!

I’m not quite sure where to start.

I never thought that I would actually get married. I knew it was a possibility, but it was never really a foreseeable future. It was always in a realm beyond my vision.

They say when you know you know, which I always thought was stupid, you know? It was a situation where I found the perfect woman and I had to rapidly shape myself into the man I was always supposed to be; responsible, reliable and ready for the next stage in life.

The first time we met was like walking out of a dark house when you’ve been sleeping all day. The bright light of sunset shocked my system and I became confused in my surroundings. How is it possible that the world is this bright?

She ordered whisky at 9:30 ….IN THE MORNING! Ok, so she was sick and apparently it’s good for the throat. Sounds like some real tomfoolery to me…

I knew straight away. I just felt it. A glimpse of the future. Like strolling into a patch of warm sunlight on a spring morning as the dew upon the grass is beginning to melt.

That’s all I’ll say for now. There’s love and fulfilment in my heart and I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life with anyone else.



Flashing Back

I feel these moments take us back
To remind us what our hearts now lack.
When we see familiar sights,
Somehow we feel the loss of light.

Screen Shot 2017-04-16 at 9.20.18 PM

Flashing back to happy days
My heart is stabbed as mind relays
What meanings were, and now, are seen
As nothing like they used to be.

Drifting clouds kissed warming rays
I watched it all within your gaze
But when I saw the sky today
All I felt was my dismay.

New meanings need to change my eyes
To force things out and say goodbye
What is it in myself that grasps
To beauty that was in the past?

I say it’s gone and done, it’s over.
But everything reminds me of her.
There is no path that I can see…
From my mind I try to flee.

Am I afraid of letting go?
Or is this merely candles glow?
Flickering on the walls within
Going out with what has been.

Time is changing all of me
Who is the me that soon will be?
I fear that I’ll no longer care
How the sun would light her hair.

Is it normal to move on?
To forget the past… Forget someone?
For who are we but broken hearts
Forever falling to the start…

Written by Randall Evans

This is The Vile Mint

I’m Sleeping With Someone Who Isn’t My Wife

I’m sleeping with someone who isn’t my wife.

Before you jump to conclusions, let me explain.

I’m going to go into detail about how beautiful she is. I’m going to express how she makes me feel and how i’d do anything for her.

And here is the anti-twist nobody saw coming.

‘She isn’t my wife, she is my life.’

Oh? You mean… You are sleeping with your wife… Oh I see.. It was your wife the whole time… Clever…

M. Night Shyamalan didn’t even anticipate that twist.

A wise man once said, “Write the title and they will come.”

I hated that old fart, but I guess he had a point:

The 10 Best Ways to Improve Your Sex Life in 2014!

How many of these have you seen so far? They are always written by those who will die alone.

22 Things to do in Your 20s

These are normally written by a regretful 24 year old with herpes who has attended all their best friends weddings and struggled to bring a date.

This Blog

Is written by a jealous nutjob who wants more likes, follows and shares.

…and a wife to bang and blog about.

– By Randall Evans.