Tinder & the Death of Romance

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We live in an age of superficial sexual pleasures. An age where we confuse consequence with cause. Instead of attraction being an organic combination, selection of a partner is now determined by one thing. Looks. The swirling pool of flesh bombards the retinas without any imagination required.

Dating is a violent sport. Instead of being an exciting adventure in a particular stage of life, it’s become a layer of irritating vexations, test driving multiple vehicles at once with no intention of a purchase. It’s normal to see multiple people at once, all at various stages of the initial dating phase, which is typically somewhere near, or past, home base.

Where do we go in this confusion? It’s no longer a matter of finding a diamond in the rough, because the true authentic romantics don’t play by the new rule book. They open doors for one person, buy roses for one person, experience anxiety over one person and dance with one person. And if it doesn’t work out, they cry over one person.

How can anybody feel loss with so many replacement parts on the market? They can’t feel loss, they only feel lost over time. Time after time, date after date, they wonder why they feel so down. It’s not meant to be like this.

It’s not normal to play the field.

It’s not normal to base your attraction on what a potential partner looks like in a photo.

It’s not normal to use romance as a tool rather than expression.

Actually, all these things are normal… But it’s not right.

The world is filling up with the tears of those who feel alone. They have been stripped of their worth as what love once was has been replicated and twisted into technique and fabrication. When lust reigns supreme, will we remember what love felt like? Where has she gone? Love is shivering in the cold corner of the woods.

Lead her into the light. Be gentle and fearful of such beauty.

Love is patient… Love is kind.

Are you?

 

Written by Randall Evans

This is The Vile Mint.

49 thoughts on “Tinder & the Death of Romance”

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  9. Actually, people have always had a lot of dates before deciding on The One. They might not have jumped into bed with every one in the past, but they certainly kicked the tires a lot. I think what you’re lamenting is that nowadays people expect instant gratification from a “date.” They want desperately to fall in love and if a date doesn’t turn out to be an actual falling in love, they are disappointed because it is not like in the romantic comedies. We are inundated with quick and easy stories on TV. Life isn’t like that. It takes a while to get to know someone. Love at first sight, doesn’t really work. but don’t underestimate the power of the physical attraction. That’s what gets you interested in the first place. You just have to go in knowing it’s a superficial kind of thing. You’ll be disappointed more often than not, but disappointment is a part of life. It makes the real thing that finally comes along that much better.

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    1. Thanks for your insights. I’m not sure if people actually know that they are desperate to fall in love. A lot of the time they are on these platforms for a hook up and then become surprised when they feel attached (and subsequently betrayed). Sometimes our biology and our ideals don’t follow the same goals.

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  15. I love this post. I love it. And I am aware of many other perspectives, I am not sure folks in poly relationships or those who like dating as an extreme sport would agree with the “true romantics’ part. But I like that people like you and myself exist. Except violence keeps me at the sidelines, I find online dating leaves me cold and depressed. Or competition over someone I fancy. I’m not very competitive when it comes to the heart.

    “Lead her into the light. Be gentle and fearful of such beauty.” Your writing is touching. How rare…

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  18. A man I briefly dated told me (after a 30 year marriage and just now starting to date) that online dating was leading him to be shallow in his choices. He said there were so many women to choose from that he could eliminate someone based just on how he didn’t like something very minor about them, like a mole on their cheek. Needless to say, he and I were not a good match. Someone else told me that it felt like being a kid in a candy store and it was almost impossible to choose just one woman. After all, if you like both red licorice and spangly mints, why not savor both?

    I wrote a blog post about this very same thing about a year ago, after a man told me that he preferred to date
    several women at the same time, before choosing one to have a meaningful relationship with. As for me, I am an all-in kind of woman….I believe in the leap of faith with someone you spark with and giving that person the respect of your attention. But then, I am a true romantic, as are you.

    Thanks for a thoughtful read on a rainy Sunday morning.

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    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this.

      It’s truely terrible, but so accepted. Everytime I bring this up at a dinner party, someone will say, “Well, so-and-so met on tinder, and they are married”. That’s like saying two people fell in love during the war, therefor the war isn’t destructive.

      The dating world is hard to navigate because of all the things you just said. I hope your friend sets a higher standard for himself, which is one of the hardest things to do in this age. I fail constantly.

      Thanks again for your comment, I really appreciate it! 🙂 🙂

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      1. Dating online is like navigating your yacht through treacherous South Sea waters, fraught with danger and yet finding beautiful lush islands here and there. I’ve met and dated several wonderful men through the process, and while not yet finding the one I want to grow old with…it’s been a mostly positive journey for me. I think it’s important to know your own worth and have a pretty good idea of what you are looking for.
        And by this I mean finding someone who has the qualities and inner beauty that you seek, while fully understanding that we are all flawed and far from perfect.

        I really love your comment about falling in love during the war…so true!

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  19. Your article is well written. It’s rather difficult to find a true romantic partner. You have highlighted reality of romance so well. Anand Bose from Kerala

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  20. Sadly I think you have hit the nail on the head, (along with the excellent comment about the influence of the media). In a world of superficiality, love has become harder to find and all the more precious for that.
    I had a short time on a dating site when I returned to the UK having skipped out on the changes in the 20 odd years I was away. My idea was to simply meet people and enjoy being spoilt a little with some male company. I met several lovely guys, but stopped after a couple of months. Why? Because they all, having found someone “real”, wanted to jump straight into a committed relationship. Naturally, these were mature men, the younger generation might pan out differently. I have to say though two of my daughters did dating sites after breakups and both found also every guy wanted to jump into a serious relationship right away.. I suspect under the veneer, most people still long for a committed, long-term romantic relationship.

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    1. I think we need to somehow cultivate patience in our society. It’s funny, i think online dating in the UK vs Australia is completely opposite. It seems (from what I’ve heard from my female friends) that hardly any of the men want to jump into anything serious. Who knows. I don’t pretend to know how it all works, I just feel like the world need more honest romance 🙂

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  21. Thank you for your post it was a easy very digestible and relatable read. Online dating is quite the experience. When I do it I don’t look for anything. I have communication with multiple guys until it leads to meeting in person. I have come to view dating sites the same way I do LinkedIn. Everyone has something they can teach you, so I treat dating sites as such. A place to learn and engage.

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    1. That’s a good way to look at it. I just feel they get things backwards. I heard a comedian once say, “I’d never been on a date that’s going really well, but then suddenly ask if she likes lord of the rings”. Basically, he was arguing that dating sites make the assumption that a good match is based on common interests, which isn’t exactly true. I found that pretty interesting 🙃

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